Ask R. Glenn Hubbard

R. Glenn Hubbard is always eager to be of help.

Early in the morning of this election day, R. Glenn Hubbard, the architect of Romney’s economic plan and the most likely Secretary of the Treasury in a Romney administration, took time out of his busy speaking and advising schedule to answer 2 carefully selected letters from our readers of The Imperial.

Dear Mr. Hubbard,

Thank you in advance for responding to my letter. I appreciate the unfettered access to the brains behind the tax plan that will get our country back on track. Lately, my husband seems distracted when we are having sex. I’m starting to wonder if he’s cheating on me. We’re having sex as often as we ever do, but he does nothing to “lubricate” me or to make sure I’m “satisfied.” I’m blushing as I write this. It’s hard to talk about. I don’t know, his mind just seems elsewhere. Any advice on how I can get to the bottom of this without seeming paranoid?

 Dry in Dayton

Dear Dry,

I seriously doubt it’s anything to be concerned about. You’re not lubricating because of your paranoia. There’s more to do for him than you realize to bring his attention back to you. The more generous you are to him, the wetter you’ll be. Ever think about that? Why don’t you greet him when he comes home with an apple pie? Find a way to give more of yourself. It also could be possible that you’re not doing enough around the house to show your inspiration. He’s probably tired after a long day at work. Why don’t you just spit on yourself? Give it your best shot!

Mr. Hubbard,

Look,  I needed to make some money quick and I had this engagement ring that I pretty much knew was junk. It wasn’t mine. I found it in this car I borrowed until I had to unload due to suspicion. Still, I sold it to this poor guy who had told me he had been saving for months to buy this ring for his girlfriend. I lied about having it appraised, gave him some documents that this chick I date made up. But, it’s not my fault he fell for it, right?

Capitalist in Camden

Dear Capitalist,

You had me at “Look”. Ha, ha. Ahhh, I have a sense of humor but indeed it is lost on most people. Let me share with you a little parable: There once was a young, ambitious economic strategist who really wanted to be a country singer. But the closest he ever came to performing was giving talks in which he was paid a lot of money to represent the interest of large corporations. He got so good at performing, that he even testified on their behalf when he was presented with the amount he would make for having done so. Now, does that make him a bad person? I wouldn’t know because I don’t think about it. And you shouldn’t either.


The Imperial Index

Number of U.S. farmers feeding their livestock candy corn due to the cost of real corn: 102

Cost of corn per ton: $315, cost of candy corn per ton: $80

Percentage chance Mitt Romney thinks about Israel outside of Florida: .0001

Scenario in which Romney thinks the most about Israel: How Jesus traveled from there to upstate New York

Probability the relationship is over if you’re on the phone talking about it to anyone else besides your significant other: 3/4

Percentage of porn viewed during office hours: 70

Percentage of porn viewed when Thanksgiving Dinner is being served: 85.4

Amount of money spent on the War on Drugs since Nixon declared it in 1971: $1 trillion

U.S. percentage of world population: 5; percentage of prison population: 25

Most likely address of American citizens who will commit voter fraud: up your ass

Likelihood you are gossiped about when you’re the first one to leave: 95.1%

Clever labels of anything goes rooms at orgies this Fall: Ohio, Florida, Iowa, Colorado, Nevada

If elected, past president Romney will most likely resemble: Jimmy Carter

If elected, past president Obama will most likely resemble: Ronald Reagan

Likelihood that most thoughts in your head are in the form of a status update or tweet: 99.9

Negritude: An Imperial Analysis of the Cain Candidacy

"You can put any kind of makeup on them, but they'll always come back for the cork."

The Herman Cain candidacy continues to perplex. Even as the number of women, many of them white, accusing him of harassment and assorted misbehavior reaches three dozen, his numbers in various polls remain strong, and at this point he remains a putative front-runner for the Republican Party’s presidential nomination in 2012. What does this tell us, if anything, about racial attitudes in the current body politic? Have we indeed reached a benign post-Obama period in the country’s forlorn racial history, where even a lecherous black-skinned pest of a pizza peddler can wake in the new morning to find himself elected president? After all, not so long ago in some of our reddest states, that kind of familiarity towards white women from a man shaded like Cain could have had him strung up and barbecued in front of an appreciative audience of registered voters. Let us not soon forget that in its current incarnation, the contemporary Republican Party traces its true origins to the machinations and tortured imaginings of the dastardly Richard Nixon’s southern strategy, which relied his wicked but ingenius recognition that the politics of the future in this country would hinge on knowing “who hates who.” This “politics of hatred,” as Nixon’s adviser Kevin Phillips deathlessly termed it, achieved apotheosis in 1980 with Ronald Reagan’s first successful campaign for the presidency. Everyone knew Nixon was a twisted and inscrutable bastard; Reagan, by contrast was seen as a bland and genial dunce. But it was Reagan, the revered saint on the modern conservative movement, who proudly made his first speech as the Republican nominee at Philadelphia, Mississippi, proclaiming “states’ rights” near the site, 15 years earlier, of of the discovery in an earthen dam of the slain and mutilated bodies of the lynched civil rights workers Michael Schwerner, James Chaney, and Andrew Goodman, the three martyrs of the civil rights movement of the early 1960s. As a piece of racial code, devised specifically to appeal to bigoted white voters fearful of and fed up with perceived black advances, it was demonically and brilliantly cruel and effective, without doubt the single most symbolically cruel and despicable political act of the post-Vietnam era. Continue reading

“Class warfare? I enlist.”

Perry Explains Himself

"Is that a coyote?"

WASHINGTON, DC — Facing increased scrutiny of his views as his campaign for the Republican Party’s presidential nomination gains momentum, Governor Rick Perry of Texas expounded on those positions in an extraordinary press conference earlier today in the nation’s capital. Speaking to an assembled group of the nation’s political correspondents, Perry used the conference’s first and only comment by the reporters — “Explain yourself,” suggested Sebastian Melmoth, head of the National Affairs Desk of The Imperial — to launch into a freewheeling 66-minute monologue. Among his more salient points was his insistence that the entire U.S. government is an illegal, illegitimate, and non-representative institution, as the Constitutional Convention was in fact an ingeniously plotted coup d’etat by a small, influential, radical, irreligious intellectual elite, a “fact” that makes the Articles of Confederation, not the Constitution, the law of the land. By this reasoning, Perry insists, Americans need to awake themselves to the reality that African-Americans are still legal chattel (unless, the governor added, they can present manumission papers from their onetime owners), women have no right to vote, the Louisiana Purchase and treaty of Guadaloupe Hidalgo are null and void, most of the territory and mineral and resource rights west of the Mississippi is still up for legal grabs, and Native Americans are ripe for the killing. Perry went on to deride Mormons as “weirdos and freaks,” proposed a National Personal Grooming Act that would outlaw pubic hair, especially on women (“it freaks me out,” he confided), and cited himself as proof that there’s no such thing as evolution. He maintained, however, that he is capable of personal intellectual growth, describing himself as “maturing” into his recent realization that not all Jews have cloven hooves and horns and ridiculing what he termed the “widespread belief in my home state” that bats are the souls of African-American children who die in infancy.

U.S. Dilemmas: Khyber Pass, Jolie’s Ass

The Khyber Pass

The Khyber Pass is a sinuous, remote, spectacularly rugged 33-mile stretch of territory through the Hindu Kush mountain range that marks the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan and constitutes virtually the only overland route between the two nations. In antiquity, it was a crucial conduit on the Silk Road and the highway of conquerors — Darius the Great, Alexander the Great, Tamerlane, Genghis Khan, and Babur — who would claim the Indian sub-continent and Central Asia as their own. Today, it is a vitally important channel in the US war effort in the region, with nearly 50 percent of US war materiel travelling overland between its stony ridges from Pakistan northward into Afghanistan. Then, as now, it was a largely lawless and untrammeled keep, a haven for smugglers, fugitives, mercenaries, freebooters, and fanatics. British writer Rudyard Kipling called it a “sword cut through the mountains.”

Jolie's ass

Angelina Jolie’s ass has been called one of the modern marvels of nature. Taut, firm, athletic, yet unabashedly womanly, it is emblazoned and protected with fearsome and magical tattoos. Perched pertly between endless gams and fetching loins, it is, like the Khyber Pass, much disputed territory, fought over by swordsmen — Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, Brad Pitt — and sapphic claimants — Jenny Shimazu — alike. It is said to possess rare powers — to enchant and bewitch its beholders, to wreck homes. Helen of Troy was blessed and cursed with the face that launched a thousand ships; Jolie has the ass that raised a thousand dicks. Famed fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld referred to her buttocks as the “hillocks of heaven.”

Today, both regions — the Pass and the Ass — are at the center of US policy discussions. Amidst rapidly rising tensions and increasingly strident pronouncements, the Obama Administration announced today that it is seeking a rare public apology (and possibly reparations) from both the sovereign nation of Pakistan and Hollywood leading man Brad Pitt. Pakistan is being called to task for what the United States is calling the increasingly direct role played by its armed forces and intelligence agency (Inter-Services Intelligence, or ISI) in opposing the US presence in Afghanistan. The US government cites particularly ISI aid in the planning and execution of the September 11, 2011, truck bombing of a NATO base near Kabul and the attack two days later on the US embassy in the Afghani capital city by the Haqqani, an insurgent group allied with Al Qaeda, as well as the May 14, 2007, ambush by the Pakistani military of US troops in a village near the Khyber Pass.

Pitt, meanwhile, is being upbraided for his 2005 dereliction of his marriage to actress Jennifer Aniston, in favor of his continuing consort with Jolie, with whom he fell in love while the two were working together on a movie. According to the government’s statement, in so doing, he brought “immeasurable pain, humiliation, and suffering to millions” of Aniston’s fans, who regard her as an innocent victim and something of America’s sweetheart. The timing of the government action was apparently occasioned by Pitt’s recent statements regarding his marriage to Aniston, which he characterized as “uninteresting” and which the government cited as “exacerbating unclosed wounds.” Continue reading


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